Unity Following Abuse is Not Possible
Truth for both a domestic violence survivor… and a nation
When a woman leaves her abusive partner — that is, truly leaves after however many prior attempts, and has finally made it clear she will not return to the relationship — he will try, with his arsenal of tactics, to shift what was labeled “romantic” into a friendship. This serves at least two purposes if he is successful. One is that it allows him to maintain infiltration in her life so that his power and control will continue, even if it looks different. Two is that if he can create any sense of unity or lasting connection between them, his narrative that he’s a good guy, never did anything wrong, has a platform.
This is why a domestic abuse survivor is advised to shut the whole thing down and go “no contact.” Not only is this her first crucial lesson in boundary-setting, but it’s how she extracts the abuse from her life so that she might assess the damage, and start her journey toward healing. This is hers to do alone. Which means, it cannot be done if her abuser is allowed to insert himself in her new life.
Except not every survivor can go no contact. Many share kids with their former abuser. Sneaky, rigid little things like custody agreements and court decrees mean that, probably for years yet to come, she is legally obligated to communicate with her abuser. To say this complicates the fresh start and freedom she needs to attain with no strings attached (and can’t) is an understatement.
But wait! Let’s not assume this means she’s without power. She can take control of this required dynamic, and here’s how.
> She establishes that she’ll talk about only the kids with him, nothing else. All other topics, which are distraction for manipulation, get ignored.
> She chooses the channel of communication she will use with him. So, if face-to-face meetings, real-time phone calls, or intrusive texts give him too much leverage, she will correspond by only email. (Email ensures documentation for any legal needs, and removes pressure for a response. She dictates how and when she’ll participate in the conversation, and takes time to get her reply right.)
> She blocks him on social media, and avoids common community places. Where she cannot — say, at school events — she attends independently for her children. She is not obligated to interact with their dad. Her mental health comes before any expectation from others that she casually engage with her ex.
> She learns to control her reactions to his continued tactics, and thus takes the reins of her new beginning.
> She asserts her own truth in life, which matters more than any closure or accountability she’d ever get from her abuser.
> She understands that unity with her abuser isn’t possible — no matter how many people try to convince her otherwise — and gives herself permission not to feel guilty or lacking. This is not her fault.
> She accepts that only utility, for the foreseeable future, is what’s required of her.
In quick summary? She does what she must to reconcile two sides of the same coin. This is how she finds a modicum of peace. It’s how she learns the taste of freedom. It’s how she begins again.
Now, keeping all of this in mind, let’s shift to current national events.
On the heels of Donald Trump’s second impeachment, as Democrats demand accountability for the abuses his presidency laid on our land and its people, the conservative party calls for unity.
Republicans — specific to Congress members but with trickle-down effects — want us to shrug our shoulders at everything they’ve put us through and just be friends.
“We need to heal as a nation,” I’ve heard tell in political debate.
Healing, yes, is necessary after years of hate and polarization; after abuse from the Trump Administration and its enablers. But healing can’t happen if the same old gaslighting is at work, if we’re forced to digest a rewritten and false narrative, and if those responsible will only minimize fault and project blame.
Because a survivor’s healing cannot begin with her abuser at the helm.
If only going “no contact” were an option for the Democratic party…
So much like a domestic abuse survivor, the political party soon to gain control with January 20th’s inauguration, will have to take back power and claim healing for itself.
It will set the boundaries. It will define how the new dynamic is going to play out.
It will find a way to reconcile what, to many, seems completely irreconcilable, and in its own terms.
No, unity will not get this job done.
Utility, however, just might.
